The Invaluable Practice of Both/AND Thinking

“You can either be right or happy.”

I have been thinking about this quote a lot lately. My partner and I joke that the key to our marriage is saying the words, “you were right.” Who doesn’t love being right? But this can certainly become over-developed.

I believe our culture is one that values being right over being happy. 

If we look at the neuroscience behind this, we can see that the limbic system, the part of our brains we share with other animals, is really organized around dichotomous thinking. Nervous systems that are organized around trauma are organized around self-protection. These systems are going to be rooted in either/or, good/bad, safe/dangerous, right/wrong dichotomies and have very little room for nuance.

The limbic system cannot do “both/and” thinking.

When we are organized around survival and self-protection, our frontal lobes don’t tend to be very strong. We are literally in “survival” mode when we are operating from our limbic system.

The ability to practice non-duality or both/and thinking is really a function of the most evolved part of our brains, the frontal lobes. This is our ability to hold seemingly opposite truths together at the same time. It is the ability to know (in our hearts, minds, bodies, and spirits) that multiple things can be true at the same time.

When we embrace both/and thinking, we are leaving room for the messy, complex nature of being human. Most of us can agree that the world feels pretty divided right now, and that we long for a deeper sense of connection and community. Many of us, especially in the USA, are all struggling with the impact of loneliness and isolation on an individual level, but many of us also feel this on a collective level as well.

If we are going to build more community and collective healing, it is going to require us to practice nuanced, both/and approaches.

Dichotomous thinking also gives us a false sense of control, so it is very seductive and appealing, especially to our limbic system and need for survival. It appeals to our need for safety. If we can feel that we are RIGHT (not wrong), that we are GOOD (not bad), then we can wrap ourselves up in the cozy blanket of certainty—even if it is false certainty. That is like a drug to our limbic system. OH! THE HIGH OF BEING RIGHT!!!! — Am I right? (HA! See what I did there?)

Both/And thinking, however, is such a powerful skill to practice. It allows for the messiness of life and allows us to be human. When we practice non-duality, we are opening up to the wholeness of life. We are opening up to holding the brutality AND the beauty of being human together in the same breath.

Brené Brown often points out that our ability to be with pain is directly in proportion to our ability to be present to joy. This requires us to be with both/and.

One of the most powerful non-dualities I practice is also the title of my upcoming book: Always Enough. Never Done. 

This is the idea that what is always and already true is that we are whole, loveable, enough, and connected to every other living thing on this planet just as we are AND we can and need to grow, evolve, change, and do things differently.

Some of my other favorite non-dualities to practice are:

• We are all whole AND broken.

• We can hold that our past has impacted us and have compassion for that impact AND we are not defined by what has happened to us. That is not who we are.

• We are all unique AND we are all the same.

• We can care deeply AND not give a fuck. (I care deeply about people in the world and about collective healing AND I am very careful about who gets the fucks I have to give and their opinions about me).

• We can have compassion for fellow humans AND hold them accountable for their actions.

• We can have good intentions AND still cause harm.

• We can have big open hearts AND boundaries like a mutha.

• The world is brutal AND beautiful.

• There is a lot of violence and horrible things in the world AND there are tiny, beautiful things in the world everyday that do not make the news.

• We can be present to death AND still choose life.

• We can know where we politically stand on things AND still choose to have relationships with people that disagree with us.

• We can be present to loss and fear AND still choose LOVE.

Notice what happens in your body when you imagine holding these seemingly opposite truths together at the same time. Perhaps it can feel really difficult. Perhaps you notice a bracing, constriction, or a part of you that pops up, and says, “no way. This isn’t true.” However, perhaps there can also be some expansion. There is a beautiful opportunity to hold the brutal and beautiful paradox of being a messy, amazing human.