Stop Living in the Self-Help Section

There is such a thing as a self-help addiction.

In a world that often idolizes the pursuit of becoming the best version of ourselves, we may find ourselves caught in a relentless cycle of self-improvement. Self-help books, motivational speakers, and social media influencers all emphasize a vision of success defined by transformation and enhancement. However, true healing may not be about sculpting ourselves into some idealized version but rather about learning to love the parts of us that we deem unlovable.

 I like the idea of becoming the “wisest version of yourself” or your “favorite version of yourself.”

Healing isn’t becoming the best version of yourself; it is learning to accept and nurture the parts of you that you have deemed unlovable.

All parts of you have adaptive qualities. They are likely trying to meet your needs for connection/belonging or safety/power. Healing is about learning to approach the parts of you that you want to shift the most with curiosity and compassion.

Obsessing over “becoming the best version of ourselves” is just perfectionism hidden in the self-help section, and it will only exacerbate this idea of “never being enough.”

Panning out even further, many of us are also aware of the need to heal not only ourselves but also on a collective level.

Simon Sinek has a beautiful quote: “There is an entire section in the bookshop called self-help, but there is no section called help others.”

Of course, there is a lot of work we need to do internally. It is important to look at our own shit and shadow.  After all, the relationship we have the most control over is the one we have with ourselves.  AND/BUT….

We can get a bit self-obsessed—can’t we? 

The Western world is pretty dang overdeveloped in the value of individualism and my invitation here is to start thinking about what it would mean to heal on a collective level. 

I am also aware that I have many folks I work with are overdeveloped in people-pleasing, self-abandonment, and over-responsibility. The invitation to heal on a collective level is not an invitation to do more of that.  Healing on a collective level means that your needs are put into the equation.  Healing on a collective level means reciprocity, accountability, and equity in our relationships with others, with the larger society, and with the earth.

There is a constant and nonlinear relationship between our own individual work and healing the collective.  As we begin to offer space and grace to the parts of ourselves that aren’t so pretty, we are also able to do that for others and for the larger collective.

As we begin to take ownership of our shadows, we can begin to practice actual accountability and not just hallow apologies. We can then also offer space and grace for others while still holding them accountable for harmful behavior.

As we begin to approach ourselves from a more nuanced place, we can do that for others. When we can hold the both/and truth that we are always and already enough, lovable, worthy, and interconnected to every other living thing on this planet just as we are, AND we also have healing and work to do, we can also extend this truth to the collective.

So… do your work.  Go to therapy.  Dig Deep.  Love the parts of you that you have deemed unloveable.  Offer the same to others and embrace the messiness of being human…

AND live your life! Go roller skating, jump off cliffs into water, put on some music while you’re dancing in your kitchen, watch a dumb movie.

Sometimes you gotta take a break from the Self-Help Section.