Stop Trying to be a GOOD Person
Dec 17, 2024
Happy almost 2025 everybody.
This is a refurbished blog from a couple years ago, but I am really feeling this right now. I am feeling the need for deep shadow work, especially on a collective level.
What if you started to get to know those shadows a little? What if you stopped obsessing over being a “GOOD” person and started looking at the whole picture? I know I know.. I can just hear the pushback on this already, but hear me out. I am not suggesting that we try to be “BAD” people, but this obsession with being “GOOD” prevents us from being with the truth.
If we ONLY see ourselves as “good” people, then we can’t really have any space for when someone says, “you hurt me.” We tend to deflect and say, “I can’t possibly have hurt you. I am a GOOD PERSON.” We get defensive, we reverse the blame, or we just ignore it and pretend that nothing happened. Maybe we double down on acting extra nice, but never really own our harmful actions or address what happened. Or.. we fall back on phrases like, “you’re being too sensitive,” “I was only trying to help,” or “that wasn’t my intention.”
It is time we start attending to the difference between intention and impact. You can have the best of intentions AND still cause harm.
I can’t tell you how many clients have said something along the lines of “my [dad/mom/grandpa/brother/partner] is such a good person, but they can still cause such destruction and harm.”
How many times have people of color heard from white people, “I can’t be racist, I am a good person.”
The obsession with being “good” also prevents Christian folks from being able to sit with how much harm the church as a system has caused to women and LGBTQ folks. “We volunteer and feed people, we are GOOD people, how can we be harmful?”
It prevents queer people from owning how we have left out the trans community in our progress and prevents men from owning the parts of themselves that have caused harm to women. I mean, most of the women I know have had some experience with their sexual boundaries being crossed, usually by men, but I don’t know any men walking around identifying themselves as rapists.
Our overfocus on being “good” prevents us from being able to be with the parts of us that have had a negative impact on the people in our lives and/or on the world. We have all played the role of perpetrator. We have also all played the role of victim and martyr as well.
Dr. Kenneth Hardy talks about when we are being called to sit with the parts of ourselves that hold systemic power, privilege or dominance, we often respond from the parts of ourselves that feel subjugated, dis-empowered or victimized.
For example, if I am being asked to look at my identities of being able-bodied, white, middle class and average in body size and acknowledge that those parts walk through the world with more ease and may even cause harm (albeit unintentionally), I may respond from the parts of me that feel like they hold no power: my adopted parts, my identity as a queer person and/or as a woman. “How can I be racist if I am queer?” Another common response I hear is “How can I have white privilege when I am poor?”
Conversely, I believe that many of us, especially those of us raised in shame-based religious backgrounds have really been (either implicitly or explicitly) given the message that we are inherently BAD or shameful. The result is that we develop perfectionist, people-pleasing, self-sacrificing parts trying to PROVE to ourselves, our parents, our community and the divine that we are GOOD.
The wounded parts of ourselves are grasping, desperate to be seen, which is natural and understandable. But these parts: all the wounded, invisible parts, all the perfectionist, people-pleasing parts become our biggest blocks. They inevitably result in parts of us that lash out, dissociate, turn into energetic ghosts when we are being asked to enter into painful places with people, develop addictions, become suicidal, don’t attend or connect in real ways with others, judge others, get violent or apathetic, and cause harm.
And our obsession with being good will REFUSE to see the scorched earth these parts leave behind.
Of course, some of us take on too much responsibility for others and carry so much shame from unhealed traumas, that the belief that we are essentially “good” is really necessary sometimes. Even still, I encourage all of us to look at THE WHOLE PICTURE of who we are. We all have shadow. How do we still welcome and unconditionally love the parts of us that aren’t so nice and pretty?
I am not suggesting rationalizing harmful behavior, but how can we make room for the darker, shadow parts of ourselves and find a way to love them? Loving and understanding them, being with and owning them, actually helps them integrate and take over the driver’s seat less. We can offer those parts love and compassion without loving their behavior.
No one is ALL GOOD or ALL BAD.
We must be able to sit with the parts of us that have caused harm or we will inevitably repeat the patterns. Think about what this would mean on a collective and communal level. We must be able to offer repair and accountability if we want to have successful relationships and a better world.
It is also important to know that there is no “arriving.” We will always have shadow sides of ourselves. The second we think “I am done, I am healed, I have done all the work I need to do on myself” is the second we cause harm.
So when someone tells you that you have hurt them, I invite you to notice that as a gift they are giving to you. They trust you enough to share that really vulnerable information with you and to engage in the difficult conversation. People who know that these types of conversations will not go so well will smile and nod and back away slowly.
So what do you do when someone shares that you have hurt them or when you know you have made a mistake?
Here are the steps of actual accountability:
- Get your nervous system grounded and regulated (ish).
- Own it and apologize.
- Do your best to make it right and/or balance the scales of justice.
- Figure out the context and the underlying wound that you made the harmful choice in and make a plan to do something different moving forward.
- Radically accept the consequences of your actions.
- Let it go.
Here is a video outlining the difference between shame and guilt and what actual accountability looks like:
So get out there, have those difficult conversations, own the shit out of your shadow parts so they don’t take over the driver’s seat so much. It may not be the most glamorous of New Year’s resolutions, but your life and relationships will improve immensely- I promise.